Well, Now I’ve Done It

Today my Uncle Mike was in Topeka for a sort of drive-by Thanksgiving. It’s only 40 minutes away but for some reason I just couldn’t be bothered. I’d spent the entire week doing family things and rushing around and I feel like I just sort of shut down today. Uncle Mike has come and gone and I’ve received no admonishing texts from the family, no updates. I just sat here for hours, watching youtube, puttering, watching more youtube. Nothing. Finally I realized the day was almost completely wasted so I finally got dressed and helped my friends go fix their car. Once I got back home…..youtube…puttering….facebook. I’m being invited to Burger Stand. There are a half dozen friends I could call on right now. Hell, I could even just go for a jog or maybe do the damn dishes. But there’s nothing. It’s like I’m yearning desperately for someone to connect with yet here I am shrugging off all attempts by anyone to get next to me. I have no fucking idea of what’s going on. It feels like I’m finally pushing away the last of the last of my friends and I’m teetering on the edge of being actually, honestly alone. 

I’ve spent 90% of today on the couch, crouched over my laptop. I wish to glob I could say this isn’t a common occurrence. 

The Enemy’s Gate is Down

It…has been a weekend. Sheesh. I woke at 3:50am on Saturday morning to go in for overtime work. They needed an extra hand around the bus depot to get backup buses started up and an extra driver on hand just in case someone called in sick or needed a switch-out. I went in and wound up having to accompany a newer driver in a bus she wasn’t familiar with. After that my supervisor picked me up and within a few minutes we got a call that a couple kids had shattered a bus shelter glass panel downtown. So I got to go help out with that, putting the fear of God into these twerps along with Lawrence PD and then sweeping up glass and putting up ‘caution’ tape. 

After getting home all I wanted to do was sleep but my phone started gyrating with texts and calls so instead I went to Well’s Overlook and then to drink coffee and play chess with Michael and watch Joss Whedon’s  Much Ado About Nothing. Immediately after that I went to Bianca’s house to watch Salt. 

Today I went on a 12 mile bike ride with Sarah, all the way out to the dam and back, and then saw Ender’s Game with Michael. Tomorrow I’ve got work at 5am and need to be sleeping, but I’m so full of salt and sugar and caffeine that I know that’s impossible. Also, as an introvert, I am absolutely emotionally wiped out by an action-packed weekend and really need to just stare at a wall for awhile. I’m thinking that jumpstarting my tumblr after a long absence will help with processing all this new fun I’m having. 

You can’t even find this on YouTube yet. A tweaked Twister trailer put together by some employees at Liberty Hall Video in Lawrence, KS. 

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Don’t worry, Luetta. I’d still tap it. I’m about to go for a run, just hoping it’s enough to blow the stank off MY ass. I’m still trying to dispel the “winter fluff” I’ve accumulated and it’s already freakin’ June. Being 29 is hard. If this doesn’t work I’ll have to break out the bike like ol’ Luetta up there. 

Don’t worry, Luetta. I’d still tap it. I’m about to go for a run, just hoping it’s enough to blow the stank off MY ass. I’m still trying to dispel the “winter fluff” I’ve accumulated and it’s already freakin’ June. Being 29 is hard. If this doesn’t work I’ll have to break out the bike like ol’ Luetta up there. 

wherethesunbeamsend said: what attracts you so to girls-on-bikes? elaborate, please. (i share your affinity, btw, but i also like dudes-on-bikes, bikes-on-bikes, and bikes-without-riders)

Oh God, there’s a plethora of reasons. First off, I like just knowing that said lady KNOWS how to ride a bike. I’ve known several girls that don’t and I always pitied/resented them a little. Also, riding a bike is just a fun thing to do. You never see a girl glowering and bitching about the poor service at Jeffersons while she’s riding. Mostly she’s just cruising, smiling with everything except her lips (or maybe her lips, too) and heading down to lock up her wheels by the Replay patio. Riding a bike also implies that this adorable woman is thrifty or mindful of the environment since she’s not jumping in an SUV with two dented bumpers and driving half a mile to get a coke. Lastly, biking requires coordination, concentration, strength and stamina, which are all very useful qualities in the bedroom. 

AWESOME BONUS: Wearing a billowy skirt or dress while biking is one of the most alluring things I think a woman could do. 

griffindorfer said: Do you like running through the woods completely naked?

You know for a fact that I do.

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We all know I have a fetish for girls on bikes but this is the next best thing. 

We all know I have a fetish for girls on bikes but this is the next best thing. 

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neenershevyhart said: You sir rock my god damn face off. Oh and I like your beard hehe.

Swizzle. My beard remains stoic but secretly proud of your praise. 

Give me this baby. Just give it to me and let me follow it into a glorious, suburban future. 

Give me this baby. Just give it to me and let me follow it into a glorious, suburban future. 

525,600 bullshits

Looking for a place to live is a fucking mind-fuck. Ridiculous stipulations, lazy apartment managers don’t get back to you, $400 deposits plus $300 pet deposits, $600 350 square foot studios…ET FUCKING CETERA. I’ve been living in a cinderblock basement with one dirty window in the corner for almost a year now and all I want to do is get out. Two roommates, one who doesn’t clean but does pay bills, the other one who doesn’t pay bills and also doesn’t clean. Lights flicker often and bulbs blow even oftener (yeah, OFTENER) with all this weird, ancient wiring. The bathroom sink backs up if you brush your teeth or shave and it smells like sulfur. The dryer doesn’t work. The basement floods when you use the hose to water the shitty little garden out back. The walls are a uniform dingy gray. Roommate #2 leaves his Hamms cans EVERYWHERE. Piled in the living room, all over the kitchen table, in his “office” (jerkoff space). And I can’t keep beer in the fridge or it will be stolen. I refuse to live with anyone until I get married and even then I might make her sleep in the walk-in closet. You guys know of any good places east of 9th street in good ol’ Lawrence, KS? I refuse to pay more than $500 but I’m always good for it and I keep a tidy goddamn house. 

ellehcimhael-deactivated2010090 said: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?

Scotland. Don’t know why, just like the way it sounds. SCOTLAND. Yeah.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming….

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming….

Staying up, upsetting…

I’m getting good at this. Or bad, as the case may be. I’ve taken to self-destruction in ways that shock the inner me, and would certainly have shocked my earlier personalities. I now drink warm, cheap beer as a matter of course. I tell myself that I just keep the beer out of the fridge and in my room so as not to be a poor role model for my young brother, (who lives with me) but I secretly know that I’m already a poor role model and a few PBRs sitting in the fridge won’t add that much to my overall shoddiness. And I stay up too late. Far too late. When I’m unable to sleep I stay up and read or flit about the internet. Digg mostly, and Facebook of course. YouTube videos, Hulu and the occasional porn. My room is an ungodly mess. I would never want my parents to see it. Dirty dishes piled on one another, dirty clothes piled on the bed, dirty bed piled on top of the floor…no box springs or bed frame. My alarm clock and VCR are both broken. My tv refuses to turn off it’s subtitles option. My guitar leans in a corner, unused and out of tune. Empty hangers dangle in a small closet without doors. My tiny trash can is overflowing. Beer cans and beer bottles and pop cans and fast food wrappers and the occasional banana peel or unpaid bill. CDs and DVDs lie everywhere, in piles on every surface, scratched and unplayable, yet still sitting around and collecting dust for some reason. Half-assed decorations litter the walls…a testament to my half-assed aspirations when I first moved into this little shithole. I distrust and resent my roommates and spend as little time in the common rooms as possible. Even though they are quite literally my family. Sort of. My free bank calendar hangs from a thumbtack, showing the previous month. I haven’t bothered changing it. I get peckish at night and think of McDonalds instead of carrot sticks or crackers and hummus. My body is sore every day and night. I’ve forgotten how to do yoga, not that I have the space or time for it. Cat and dog hair cover everything and I’ve stopped caring about it. The house smells of animal, musky and acrid. Not my animals. Money’s coming but will I use it wisely? Will I restock on toothpaste and tea and healthy snacks? Will I ever repair my car? Will I figure out how to repair my guitar and learn how to play it? Will I get rid of this lumpy old mattress, clean the rug, and sleep on the floor? It’s too hot in here because the AC is only forced through one small vent near the ceiling on the far side of the room. It’s musky and stuffy and warm, like what a mental patient’s room might feel like…as he lies dazed, insanity pupating. The other day I ate a bunch of mcdonalds, then took a multivitamin, then drank two warm beers, all while reading a webcomic. then i felt like i couldn’t sleep so i took sleeping pills. then i slept too much and was nearly late for work. then i felt like shit all through work and when i finally got out i had a beer and looked up more webcomics to feel better. then before i knew it, it was late and i hadn’t done any exercising or eaten anything good that day. And I figured, why not crash out now and get an early start on the next day? So I tried to get to sleep but couldn’t…so I read a book…drank some warm beer…sweated in my dirty little excuse for a room….and started the whole thing over again. I feel ill. Like, broken. Powerless to make the changes I want/need to make. I’m seeing a girl. She’s really into me. I don’t feel the same. I feel like I’m dating her because I can, not because I want to. Like I got tired of being single and decided to find someone just to pass the time with. I’ve warned her repeated times that things are going to go badly and I don’t feel the same way she does and that this will all end in tears but she says she doesn’t care. She’s lying to herself and doesn’t even know it. And to top it off I’ve got a big fuckin’ zit, RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY GODDAMN NOSE. It’s already past 4 in the morning and I’ve got work tomorrow. I’ll wake up without time to do anything worthwhile, browse the net, jump into my dirty uniform, race off to work without eating, and then feel miserable all day.

What will I do when I get home?

If you pray, pray for me.

Someday after mastering winds, waves, tides and gravity, we shall harness the energies of love, and then, for the second time in the history of the world, man will discover fire.
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin