I’m getting good at this. Or bad, as the case may be. I’ve taken to self-destruction in ways that shock the inner me, and would certainly have shocked my earlier personalities. I now drink warm, cheap beer as a matter of course. I tell myself that I just keep the beer out of the fridge and in my room so as not to be a poor role model for my young brother, (who lives with me) but I secretly know that I’m already a poor role model and a few PBRs sitting in the fridge won’t add that much to my overall shoddiness. And I stay up too late. Far too late. When I’m unable to sleep I stay up and read or flit about the internet. Digg mostly, and Facebook of course. YouTube videos, Hulu and the occasional porn. My room is an ungodly mess. I would never want my parents to see it. Dirty dishes piled on one another, dirty clothes piled on the bed, dirty bed piled on top of the floor…no box springs or bed frame. My alarm clock and VCR are both broken. My tv refuses to turn off it’s subtitles option. My guitar leans in a corner, unused and out of tune. Empty hangers dangle in a small closet without doors. My tiny trash can is overflowing. Beer cans and beer bottles and pop cans and fast food wrappers and the occasional banana peel or unpaid bill. CDs and DVDs lie everywhere, in piles on every surface, scratched and unplayable, yet still sitting around and collecting dust for some reason. Half-assed decorations litter the walls…a testament to my half-assed aspirations when I first moved into this little shithole. I distrust and resent my roommates and spend as little time in the common rooms as possible. Even though they are quite literally my family. Sort of. My free bank calendar hangs from a thumbtack, showing the previous month. I haven’t bothered changing it. I get peckish at night and think of McDonalds instead of carrot sticks or crackers and hummus. My body is sore every day and night. I’ve forgotten how to do yoga, not that I have the space or time for it. Cat and dog hair cover everything and I’ve stopped caring about it. The house smells of animal, musky and acrid. Not my animals. Money’s coming but will I use it wisely? Will I restock on toothpaste and tea and healthy snacks? Will I ever repair my car? Will I figure out how to repair my guitar and learn how to play it? Will I get rid of this lumpy old mattress, clean the rug, and sleep on the floor? It’s too hot in here because the AC is only forced through one small vent near the ceiling on the far side of the room. It’s musky and stuffy and warm, like what a mental patient’s room might feel like…as he lies dazed, insanity pupating. The other day I ate a bunch of mcdonalds, then took a multivitamin, then drank two warm beers, all while reading a webcomic. then i felt like i couldn’t sleep so i took sleeping pills. then i slept too much and was nearly late for work. then i felt like shit all through work and when i finally got out i had a beer and looked up more webcomics to feel better. then before i knew it, it was late and i hadn’t done any exercising or eaten anything good that day. And I figured, why not crash out now and get an early start on the next day? So I tried to get to sleep but couldn’t…so I read a book…drank some warm beer…sweated in my dirty little excuse for a room….and started the whole thing over again. I feel ill. Like, broken. Powerless to make the changes I want/need to make. I’m seeing a girl. She’s really into me. I don’t feel the same. I feel like I’m dating her because I can, not because I want to. Like I got tired of being single and decided to find someone just to pass the time with. I’ve warned her repeated times that things are going to go badly and I don’t feel the same way she does and that this will all end in tears but she says she doesn’t care. She’s lying to herself and doesn’t even know it. And to top it off I’ve got a big fuckin’ zit, RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY GODDAMN NOSE. It’s already past 4 in the morning and I’ve got work tomorrow. I’ll wake up without time to do anything worthwhile, browse the net, jump into my dirty uniform, race off to work without eating, and then feel miserable all day.
What will I do when I get home?
If you pray, pray for me.